What do you think of when you hear “couples therapy”? For many of us, it’s “divorce”. Couples therapy has a reputation for being a “last ditch effort” for relationships on the brink of breakup. But it can be a really effective strategy for laying the foundation for a solid long term partnership, giving couples the tools they need to weather any storms.
The goal of couples therapy is rather universal: to go from disconnected to connected and secure. The topic that feels urgent enough to bring you into therapy varies from couple to couple and even person to person, but generally it boils down to a few key themes: improving communication, reducing conflict and increasing intimacy.
These challenges aren’t unique to couples in crisis or those who’ve been married for decades and now have adult children. At Paired, we recently conducted some research and found relationships experience the most turbulence and angst during year five – something we call the ‘five year fizzle’.
But disconnection can arise at any age or stage. We also found 3 in 5 people (60%) wish their partner would ask them how they’re feeling more often. And half said their partner’s communication style had negatively affected their mental health. So regardless of where you’re at, most relationships could stand to benefit from an improvement in communication and connection.
How do you know if it’s working? While there is no definitive rule book, there are some questions you can consider to see how couples therapy is strengthening your relationship.
Has your pattern of communication improved?
Good communication is vital for any successful relationship. People’s upbringing and cultural backgrounds play a significant role in how they communicate in a romantic relationship. Disagreements are normal and can even be beneficial. Are you working together to resolve conflict? Are you identifying negative communication patterns and working to replace them with positive ones? Are you using conflict as an opportunity to learn more about each other’s emotions and strengthen the relationship, instead of causing a rift that has you drifting apart? If so, it might be a sign couples therapy is making a positive impact.
Are you having fun together?
Often couples who are going through a busy or difficult time stop having fun together. So a marker of success might show up as a renewed or enhanced sense of fun in the relationship. Are you laughing or being silly together more often? Do you feel more able to let loose? Are you trying new things together or being more spontaneous? Have you been on a particularly great date night lately? Do you spend more time doing things you enjoy together?
Are you more attentive to each other?
This doesn’t mean showering your partner in affection or planning a date night every week. Put simply, it means being genuinely curious about your partner’s experience, talking and really listening to each other. And it’s a worthy indication of success in couples therapy, as almost two-thirds (61%) of Paired users felt the biggest improvement in relationship health could come from listening to each other. So are you putting your phone away when you’re having a conversation? Is turning towards your partner and actively listening becoming more natural? Are you showing more empathy to how your actions might make your partner feel? And vice versa of course!
Has there been an increase in intimacy?
According to a survey, over half (51%) of Paired users have reported a lack of sex and intimacy as being a major issue in their relationship. In some cases, couples therapy may involve setting a goal to improve the quality and frequency of sex. This typically involves resolving any feelings of shame or hurt that may be causing a block to intimacy. However, intimacy is not limited to the bedroom alone. It’s important to ensure both partners feel confident in identifying and expressing their deeper emotions in healthy ways. Often, individuals may feel vulnerable or fear expressing their needs directly, leading to blame or resentment. This can ultimately hinder the connection between partners. Are you noticing an increase in physical touch? A more balanced initiation of sex? Or a greater sense of safety in expressing desires, including declining sex?
Is your partner the first person you want to share news with?
When you get news, good or bad, who is the first person you want to tell? It’s a really positive sign if this is your partner. However, it’s not necessarily a bad sign if it’s not – the news might be most relevant to a certain person or group in your life. But overall, if you’re turning towards your partner and including them in things more often, it suggests couples therapy is leading to positive changes.
In the process of working on your relationship, don’t forget to focus on what’s going well. We’re often fixated on how things might be different down the line, but take stock of the positive changes that are happening in the relationship right now – regardless of whether they’re a result of couples therapy or simply a commitment to strengthening the relationship from both parties.
And if couples therapy seems too daunting or you don’t know where to start, the Paired app has thousands of themed conversation starters and question packs to get you started on your relationship goals – whether that’s increasing intimacy or having more fun.
