When you’re faced with the minefield that can be co-parenting there’s a lot to consider if the new family dynamic is ever going to stand a chance of working in the future.
From the moment a child enters your world you are given the opportunity to be the best parent you can be and from that moment every challenge you face in your life is a chance to learn, grow and show your offspring first-hand the importance of being resilient, adaptable and committed to creating a positive and healthy life so let’s look at how best to do this when co-parenting.
Find your communication style
Everyone has their very own unique way of communicating and by looking at what has worked or in fact not worked in the past is the answer to how best to communicate moving forwards.
If you find speaking to your partner emotionally triggering then it will healthier for you to make child arrangements by email or text however if your partner is historically not reliable in returning messages then you may well find it more effective to make arrangements verbally, whatever you decide be consistent and stick to it.
Tip: If you can communicate/confirm arrangements by email/ text it has the added benefit of keeping a log of the arrangements you’ve made and therefore is easier for both parties to remain accountable or consider using co-parenting apps such as Amicable.io or ourfamilywizard.co.uk if direct communication is untenable.
The importance of words
Our choice of words, whether verbal or written is very powerful and can completely change how a communication is received. You may no longer function as a couple but you are in a relationship as a co-parent and if you can learn to respectively distinguish between those two roles you will find arrangements easier to navigate.
Tip: Referring to your offspring as “my child” rather than “our child” or using phrases such as “I’ve decided” rather than “Can I suggest” when communicating with your co-parent can convey a sense of ownership of, rather than shared care of a child so ensuring your communication is inclusive will have a dramatic impact on the new relationship you’re forging.
Letting go of the need to know
One of the hardest aspects of co-parenting is letting go of the need to know what’s happening when you’re not there, of course it’s natural to be interested and even concerned for your child’s welfare but it can be destructive to try and micro manage your child’s life when they’re not in your care. Creating a framework that both parents can work from will not only be reassuring for both parents but has the added benefit of creating consistency for your child, following the same routines will make it easier for the child to adapt to their new living arrangements.
Being flexible and open to trusting your co-parent is the essential ingredient in creating a healthy and balanced family dynamic for both child and parent, yes, they may not always get it right or do things to your standard but as long as your child is happy and well cared for then it’s a positive step to have faith and trust in their abilities.
Tip: It’s helpful to make plans when you’re home alone, take the opportunity to restore and recharge, single parenting is exhausting and you need to make time for self-care.
Obviously if there are genuine concerns for your child’s welfare you must seek advice from http://citizensadvice.org.uk who will be able to help put you in contact with the necessary government services.
Supporting your co-parent
As parents you both have a responsibility to your children to be the very best parent you know how to be and that can be a hard task if you’re caught up in a warzone with your co-parent.
For most parents their priority is their child’s health, happiness and safety so if your co-parent is finding it hard to independently for fill their responsibilities whether that be from a lack of knowledge or experience then it’s important to try and give them as much support as you can.
This means putting to one side any issues that you may have had as partners and prioritising your child’s needs, this can be hard as emotions can be raw but it’s imperative that a child has the freedom and support to establish and maintain an independent relationship with both its parents regardless of their independent feelings about one another.
Tip: Encouraging and supporting is about having conversations where you both can be open to receiving and offering suggestions, discussing options and accepting that your fellow parent has a valuable contribution. Family mediation can be very helpful if you find communication untenable or unproductive.
New habits, new traditions
When you create a new family dynamic you have the opportunity to create new memories, new traditions, new habits that become the foundations for a new beginning as a single parent family.
Instead of trying to recreate what was, use this new beginning as a chance to do things differently, embrace this opportunity by re-designing how you spend your time – go for walks/bike rides to places you’ve never been, experiment with different foods, find fun things to do and explore. Start redesigning how you live your life because all these new experiences will not only enrich all of your lives but will help you to heal and move on from the breakdown of your relationship allowing the birth of a new, inspired and exciting future.
Tip: Creating both family and individual bucket lists are a great way to focus on the future, they can be made up of small things like learning to make pasta to going on a family safari – be creative and have fun with designing the future, it’s going to be adventure…
