Feeling like a phony is bad enough at work but even more damaging when you are raising a family. As a parent, how can you overcome harmful self-doubt? Juliet Adams, a cognitive behavioural coach, author, and Director of A Head for work, regularly works with clients who have self-limiting beliefs and unhelpful mindsets. She shares her five top tips for overcoming imposter syndrome.
Imposter syndrome (IP) is the experience of feeling like a phony. People experiencing IP doubt their abilities and don’t feel good enough. IP affects everyone at some point in their lives, irrespective of their social status, work background, or education. There is a high volume of research around IP at work. Some of the most successful people in top jobs suffer from IP. Parental IP falls under that same umbrella. Here are five tried and tested tips to help overcome imposter syndrome.
Know your enemy
Being a parent can lead to sleepless nights, which in turn can make everything feel 100 times worse than they are. Know your enemy by finding out the extent that IP is impacting your life. The Impostor Test was developed by psychologist and author Pauline Clance to help individuals determine whether they have IP characteristics and, if so, to what extent they are suffering. Download a copy of the Clance IP Scale to complete the 20-question diagnostic.
Don’t bottle it up
Talk to other people and share your feelings. Irrational thoughts can escalate when they are supressed or ignored. People are surprised to discover just how many of their friends are experiencing the same thoughts and feelings.
Forget perfectionism
Perfectionism is bad for your health and bad for parenting. Instead of focusing on doing things perfectly, aim to do things reasonably well. Celebrate your success and reward yourself for taking action. Good enough is good enough. There is a big difference between Perfectionism and High achievement.
Moderate your use of social media
Countless research studies show that overuse of social media is heavily related to feelings of inferiority. Trying to portray an image on social media that is out of alignment with present moment reality, will only make your feelings of being a fraud worse. Social media is full of images of people perfect lives, perfect jobs, perfect holidays, and ‘fakebook’ parents. Its easy to be fooled into the myth that everyone else’s houses are immaculate, their children sleep all through the night, and never misbehave. Engage with social media sparingly and remember that what you see is often an airbrushed version or reality, not a fact.
Remember that thoughts are not facts
A thought is only a thought. Its not a fact, it’s a mental event created by your mind. The brain hates uncertainty and when there is a lack of information, it produces stories and predictions to plug the void. These stories are then treated by the brain the same way as facts. Thoughts can have enormous impact. They can trigger strong emotions and responses in the body such as physical tension and raised heartbeat. Thoughts can easily trigger or fight or flight survival response. This response is primeval in origin and nowadays often disproportionate to the actual threat or danger faced. Practice treating thoughts as mental events. Doing so makes it easier to detach and gain perspective.
There are lots of ways to overcome IP. Accept yourself as a human, stop comparing yourself to other parents, and give yourself recognition for doing a great job overall. Don’t let negative mind sets define you. Start enjoying your unique parenting style. No matter how you feel at this moment, keep pursuing your intention to be a great parent. Keep moving forwards and refuse to be stopped.
