One fundamental aspect of good communication is listening. Unfortunately, despite many people believing they have good communication skills, the art of listening is often seriously lacking.
Research shows that when asked a few minutes later, most people only remember around 50% of what they were just told, 3 days later, only 10% of information can be recalled.
Listening is not the same as hearing
Listening is not just being in the same room when someone is speaking. It requires active concentration and giving the other person your full attention.
No one can listen properly if there are distractions such as the mobile phone, or unwanted noise such as traffic or television. It’s all too easy when someone else is talking to daydream or listen to the thoughts in your head in preparation for what to say next.
Active listening
Active listening means getting rid of distractions and giving the other person full attention. Sit quietly and sit still, where good eye contact can be maintained. Don’t rush the other person, encourage them to open up. It can be helpful to say, ‘I’m listening’ or ‘I’m here for you.’
It can also be helpful to repeat back what they just said as a summary to show you listened and took the details on board. If it’s a bit unclear, ask them to explain it again.
Openness is essential. The other person may have different views, but this shouldn’t matter. Everyone should be tolerant and respectful. Active listening is one way of resolving conflict. Sharing ideas fosters learning.
Body language
Humans naturally convey emotions in their body language. A downward gaze, a heavy sigh, rolling eyes, tears, restlessness or a fist slamming the table, all convey how they are feeling. These signs may be subtle.
The listener can show they are listening with body language, by nodding their head or putting an arm around a friend’s shoulder. It’s helpful to give a few words of encouragement.
The power of silence
Silence is a powerful tool. There’s often a feeling we need to talk over silences as it feels uncomfortable, but in fact, silences really are golden. A pause gives the speaker a chance to reflect and collect their thoughts and emotions. It’s a time of personal growth. It can be agonising waiting for the person to speak, but it’s a good tactic. Silences promote self-awareness and self-esteem.
Not knowing what to say
A good listener is just that – good at listening. Although there is a tendency to feel anxious about not knowing what to say, it should be remembered that the listener is not there to solve the other person’s problems. They don’t need to say very much at all. They are helping the speaker unburden their thoughts, emotions, fears and anxieties and that’s enough. Empathy is all that is required.
Don’t talk over the other person. Don’t interrupt. A good listener does not do too much of the talking. The other person just needs to feel they have been heard and understood.
Final thoughts
Listening is a vital skill for both the workplace and our personal relationships. Bad listeners may not realise they are bad at listening and may have little insight. Raising awareness of the importance of listening with work colleagues and friends and family can be hugely beneficial for both improving work performance and strengthening relationships.
- What steps could you take to become a better listener?
