The simple answer to the question as to whether being active and busy or having a busy work life, can help you get over a divorce is a resounding “YES”. Divorce is a very difficult time in any person’s life. Your relationship is over, you may have just moved house or be about to move house, there is the background level of the outcome of the divorce proceedings being unknown and that alone is unsettling. You may also have children and need to co-parent effectively. All these different stresses and strains of the divorce situation can play heavily on a person’s mind.
However, the best thing you can do at these times is to have an alternative focus to divert you and prevent you from unduly fixating on your divorce.
As a divorce lawyer, I have noticed that the clients who are working, be it part time or full time or are otherwise active and engaged in other activities tend to cope significantly better than the non-working/ no outside interest clients. I have seen, time and again, situations where a party who is not working, and not needing to care for small children, has put themselves in a situation where the divorce has become more painful and complicated simply because – without anything else to divert them – they have focused unduly and persistently on their divorce situation. They have focused on minutiae. They have focused repeatedly on the negative aspects of their life simply because there is no distraction to prevent them.
This can be destructive on a psyche. If you continually focus on the negative, or if you become consumed with a particular destructive narrative that is your perspective of events or circumstances surrounding your divorce, which circles round and round in your head, you can find yourself very swiftly trapped into a ‘pain cycle’ which is very difficult to break. And this can often be inevitable if you don’t have other distractions and daily routines to provide an alternative focus.
I always suggest to clients that they picture where they want to be in three/four years’ time and focus on that future mental image. Indeed with a busy and fulfilling work life you have a tangible reason to think about other aspects of your life and your future. If your eyes are lifted-up and focusing on a positive future, it is easier to ignore a negative present. If you are working towards a positive future goal, it is easier to bear the more difficult moments during the divorce process.
If your mind is diverted by your work or other activities not only does this prevent you falling into that pain cycle, it also reduces the potential time available to focus on your current situation.
Other activities, such as meditation, exercise, charity work, planned social events with friends which involve an element of distraction (theatre/movies/concerts) are also extremely helpful.
The trick is to divert your mind away from thinking negatively and painfully about the past and the present. You need to prevent yourself from either falling into an internal pain cycle or finding yourself constantly talking to friends about the worst things going on in your life, which will only reinforce feelings of despondency and feed an inability to get over a divorce.
So my advice is look up – look forward – plan your positive future and then walk towards it.
