Retroactive jealousy feeds on the idea that your current partner has had better, more intimate, and more satisfying relationships with their previous partners, and that they might still be thinking about them. Unchecked, it can destroy your relationship as you start to obsess about your partner’s past and can be very damaging and unsettling to your own peace of mind.
While a certain amount of jealousy and possessiveness is a healthy part of developing a secure relationship, retroactive jealousy is different. Retroactive jealousy is an obsessional problem. It sits under the umbrella of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). One of the hallmarks of retroactive jealousy is that we start to obsess about all the things we don’t know about our partners and their past relationships. We start to suspect that there are important things we aren’t being told, and from there, we become convinced that we need to know everything.
Once the idea has taken hold, it can’t easily be shaken off. Instead, it gets stronger and stronger. The need to know everything about your partner and their previous partners increases. Who they slept with? What was it like? You feel a need to know everything, however damaging and unsettling it is to your own peace of mind.
The obsessional idea promises that if you find the answer to your questions, then that will be the end of it, but it isn’t. In fact, the more you ask and the more you find out, the more your questions multiply.
The key to unlocking the problem and being able to enjoy your relationships is to find a way to look beyond your jealousy and at the roots of the obsessional worries that lie behind it. Here are some ways to manage retroactive jealousy.
Develop a healthier perspective
The first step towards managing retroactive jealousy is to recognise that you are in the grip of it. Starting to get some perspective is the essence of managing the problem. Objectivity will enable you to step back and think about what you are experiencing.Â
Make sense of retroactive jealousy
People who experience retroactive jealousy are often battling with fears and insecurities about themselves, not other people, and they inadvertently end up projecting these insecurities into their present relationship. It’s important to turn our attention away from worrying about our partner and back onto ourselves. We have to practise and develop our capacity to do so.
Explore your attachment history
Retroactive jealousy derives its power from the way we attach to others. Our style of attaching to partners is derived from our earliest experiences of being loved and cared for. When we start dating and getting interested in relationships, the dynamic of these early attachments is revived. This means that if we felt overlooked or not securely held by our earliest caregivers, these feelings may re-awake and become projected into our present relationship. There may not be a problem in your present relationship, the problem may be older and something you need to address independently.Â
One step at a time
How do we find a way to step back from the intrusive thoughts, from the claustrophobic and paranoid thinking that is the hallmark of retroactive jealousy and find the mental space to breathe again? The first step is to recognise that you’re in the grip of it. From there, take a step back and try to pay attention to yourself. It can be helpful to ground yourself by thinking about something that calms you. Meditation practices can be a useful way of breaking the cycle. Mindfulness-based meditation activities may help you develop a sense of patience and help you take a more nurturing attitude towards yourself and your partner. There are free mindfulness apps, and there are also free guides on YouTube that you can use. Practise good habits of emotional care and stability daily but be mindful. You are not trying to create new obsessional rituals, just good habits.
Avoid the urge to ask too many questions about the past
Resist the urge to ask all about their former lovers and sex life. Don’t ask your partner about their past relationships and don’t go through their old social media posts or be tempted to search their phone. This will only fuel the intrusive destructive thoughts and from there, the problems start to deepen. We become secretive and more and more driven to trawl through our partner’s social media accounts. We can’t help but obsess about the text messages they are receiving. All our thinking leads us into a tight, claustrophobic and negative spiral of obsessional worry.Â
Instead of being obsessed with our partners’ lives, start to develop a clearer perspective and understanding of the origin of your worries. This can enable you to find ways to live a better and more satisfying life and so be able to enjoy your relationships more. That is the goal. Experiencing retroactive jealousy doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us, it can be the result of things that have happened to us. We just need to learn how to recognise it, take a step back and pause, refocus and give ourselves the chance to address what is really happening to us while getting any help we may need.Â
