You know what you want to do or where you want to be, but you’re still not there and you’re not sure why or what to do about it. It’s a common problem, and one that can leave women trapped in a self blaming cycle of feeling stuck, not knowing what to do about it and then feeling ashamed for not seeking help. Rinse and repeat.
To understand what’s going on, it can be really helpful to look at our early experiences of asking for help. What we remember about asking our parents or teachers can really shape our expectations of how other people will respond to us when we ask for their support. UKCP registered Psychotherapist Sarah Lee of Explore Your Mind works with women who feel like there’s something wrong with them, helping them to feel better about themselves and get unstuck. Although she specialises in working with CPTSD or complex trauma resulting from growing up in a chaotic, dysfunctional or abusive environment she finds that many clients underestimate the impact their childhood has had on them.
You don’t need to have experienced abuse or neglect to have grown up feeling misunderstood, ‘too much’ or self sufficient. Nobody can grow up in a perfect environment and parents who had to work, who were sick or struggled with their own childhoods, who didn’t understand their feelings or who were emotionally unavailable can all have an impact on how you see the world.
If people were too busy (or impatient) to help or if you were told off or embarrassed at school for ‘asking silly questions’ you can internalise the idea that by a certain age you should have everything sorted out or that real adults do things by themselves.
So what should you do about it?
Think about who you relied on as a child and your experience of asking them for help. Were they happy to help or did you feel like an inconvenience? Did they promise to help but somehow never had time? Was it easier to try and resolve things yourself if the adults in your life were at work or dealing with siblings?
Notice what feelings come up when you think about asking for help.
Are you scared? Embarrassed? Worried about being shouted at? Do you switch off or does your body feel hot and weak?
Are your feelings around asking for help in the present realistic or unlikely?
If you think about sending an email and your fear is being ignored, is that a realistic fear or is it based on frequently being ignored as a child? See if you can work out if your feelings belong in the past or the present.
What could you do to help your body deal with the feelings that come up for you?
If you relax your body is the tension more manageable? Does slowing down your breath help you feel more in control? Do you need a break to have a glass of water and a quick stretch?
Ask for support from someone you trust
If you feel embarrassed or overwhelmed when thinking about asking for help you might want to keep it to yourself but actually sharing how you feel with someone you trust is a great way to feel connected and manage that embarrassment.
Realising that your difficulties around asking for help are rooted in the past doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to change your habits or feelings straight away. Change takes time and awareness is the first step in this process. Be patient with yourself and try not to judge your thoughts or feelings, the aim is to be curious and not self critical!
If you do realise that your past is preventing you from asking for help with your business, consider seeing a professional to explore further. You don’t have to be at breaking point before seeing a therapist and asking for help sooner rather than later means you can go at your own pace without extra pressure.
